Need to go home and change my undies

Every once and awhile you meet a real life character, and I was lucky enough to meet and become best friends with Alan. Who was for sure an original.  In memory of him, I would love to share his stories.

I met Alan thru my roommate who was his Business partner of a 50's style diner, (for which I became a waitress during the weekends).  We instantly became friends, and were always together.  He was an older gay man, with a heart of gold, and a crazy sense of humor.  Here are some of his stories:

Alan lived in a old victorian home, his ex lover lived down stairs with his new boyfriend, and Alan lived upstairs.  The first time I was over Alan's house, we were just going to hang out.  Sitting at Alan's kitchen table was Alan at the head of the table, our friend Chris (who is African America) diagonal across from Alan, and I was sitting to the left of Alan. We were laughing and having a great time, when all of a sudden Alan looks in Chris's direction, and yells out, "you Black bastard"  Chris and I were shocked, I looked at Chris who was looking at me, and then we both looked at Alan, and then looked back at each other.  Alan went on to say, "I don't want you in my house. Who told you, you could come into my house!"  Then he jumped up, and ran to the open window that was behind Chris, and sitting there was a black cat.  Chris and I started laughing, realizing that he wasn't talking to Chris, but to the cat.  Then as he continued to yell at the cat, he said, I don't want you in my house!  He then threw the cat outside the window.  Chris and I gasp, OH MY GOD! I yelled. I went to the window, and there was the cat, on the fire-escape, with this bedding, and toys, and it became obvious that the fire-escape was the cat's hangout.  Alan started to laugh and I of course needed to go home and change my undies.

Alan would flirt with anyone, gay, straight, any gender it didn't matter.  

We all decided to jump in the car and take off to NYC for the weekend.  There was a group of us, and we packed up two cars and we hit the road.  Half way to NYC, we decided to stop at a rest stop right off the highway and par-take in some Mckee Dee's.  We all got our food, and sat at some tables. We were all laughing and having  a good time. I noticed briefly, that Alan had his eye on this guy sitting down, and apparently the man did too.  He was a huge, bearded brut of a man,  who stood up and  came to our table and looked at Alan and said, do you have a problem?  We all stopped, and looked up at the man, and no one spoke or even took a breath, and without missing a beat, Alan starts to feel the table.  He said, I'm sorry, is someone talking to me? As he started to act like Steve wonder.  Alan says Kim, is someone talking to me, and I squealed out, yes.  The man, said, Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize, and Alan said, that is ok.  The man walks back to his table, we knew before Alan's cover was blown we had to get out of there.  So, Alan grab my elbow, and I had to direct him around the table and out the door.   We just walked back to the cars, and then busted out laughing Another moment when I needed to go home, and change my undies.

Alan and I hung out almost everyday.  On this day, he called me up and said,  I have to go to this guys house, do you want to go with me?  I said, sure.  So, he came and picked me up and off we went.  He is driving and we are talking and laughing, and he pulls down this street, and says, I'm not sure of the address, but it's around here somewhere, and we are driving around, and he is looking and looking. I'll know when I see it,  I said, Ok.  Then he quickly pulled into this driveway.  The inside door was open, and a half screen outside door was closed, with a sign that says, beware of dog. Alan turns to me, and says do me a favor, go to the door and ask John to come outside. I was like, why don't you go, he said I have a leg cramp, just ask him to come to the truck. I said Ok.  I go to the door, and before I could knock this German Shepard jumps up and is barking and growling I thought I was going to be his next supper. I screamed my head off.  This guy comes to the door, and he says, what do you want? I said, is John here. He say's there is no John here. I was like sorry  I walked back to the truck, and Alan was in stitches. I said, this isn't the house?  He said, no and there isn't even any John.  I was like what? You didn't have to meet anyone? Nope.  Another moment when I needed to go home, and change my undies.

As I said at the beginning of this post, my roommate was Alan's Business partner at the diner. I would work there on the weekends, and a girl (Lori) who lived upstairs from us was one of the cooks at the dinner.  For 6 months every once and awhile Alan would tell me stories about his Uncle who was crazy and institutionalized. Based on the few stories I was told, it's not someone that I would wanted to ever meet.  Also during the 6 months, Lori told me a story about how she met him, and she was scared as hell of him.  My roommate also told me a story about his encounter with Alan's Uncle.   One night, my roommate gets a call.  It's a frantic Alan, the Uncle has escaped from the institution, and earlier in the day he had made threats against my roommate, because he was convicted that he was trying to kill him, and so the Uncle was going to get to him first So, Lori's says, Kim come up stairs with me. So, I go with Lori, and we were there for about 20 mins, when we hear banging on the downstairs door  I hear, Alan's voice, my roommate voice, banging, and what sounded like pure mayhem and I was like should we call the cops?  Lori said, I will call. So, she goes to another room. I am standing in the kitchen.  Then my roommate bangs on the door, and yells LET ME IN!  I said, Oh my god, So, I go and unlock the door and he quickly comes in and shuts the door behind him. When I hear bang, and it appears someone is trying to push open the door. I started to scream.  My roommate moves falls against the wall,  and the door swings open, I see what looks to be an old man, so I went running into another room, and he was right behind, I ran into a wall he turned me around, and I'm looking at his face, screaming at the top of my lungs, and I look again, and I looked at his face again, and realized it was an old man Halloween mask. Once again I needed to go home and change my undies. 

These are only a few of the many stories I could tell you about my friend Alan. He was truly one of a kind.  Your always in my thoughts, my friend.

Up, Down, Up, Down, Up, Down

I have some family & friends who are currently unemployed, and as they go thru the interview process I thought I would share a story, as an example of what not to do, and if you don't think a interview went well, just read this story, and say, "Well, at least it wasn't that bad!"


For this story, I will need to give you some background information. I worked for a company for 6 years, and for the first 9 months, I worked for 4 manager, 3 of which were let go.  The 4th manager and I never saw eye to eye.  She did some shady stuff, and wanted me to put my name on it, and when I refused, lets just say we had some healthy debates.  So, our division went thru a reorganization.   During the process, 7 people from my area (including me) were moved to different areas (which ended up being a blessing). But, still it was a very uncomfortable situation. To the point where for 2 weeks, you could hear a pin drop in the office.

I had heard, that my new boss informed folks that we were coming, and not to discuss the reorganization because it was a touchy subject. I had wished my "old" boss had shared in this same common sense.  But, on our last day, she thought it would be a great idea, to have a farewell, good luck gathering. We were all called into a 2 by 4 conference room, people standing all around, and she made this speech, which would make you choke on the cake.  As she starting to cut the cake, I quietly left the room and went back to my desk to finish out the day.  To my surprise the other 6 people followed me, in addition some other folks, who thought that the cake was a bit to much.

About 30 mins go by and I see my "old" boss holding the sheet cake as she walks towards my desk. She stops and yells at me"You will have a piece of cake." My response; I don't want a piece of cake.  Everyone stopped what they were doing, and you could hear a mouse fart at this point.  As they watched,  she yelled again, " I bought this cake, and you will have a piece of cake" and then she drops it on the file cabinet in front of my cubicle. Pieces of frosting flying in the air. I said, "I tell you what, you see that ( as I point to a trash bin), you leave that cake there, and that is where it is going." She said," you wouldn't dare!" So, I got up took the sheet cake, and threw it right in the trash.  She said, I'm taking you to HR (human resources), I said, go ahead, and you can explain to them how you tried to force me to have a piece of cake.  Needless to say, she never went to HR, and I went on to my new position.

I went on to have 5 years and 3months in the new re-org position but sadly the job  moved "in house" to their New York office. I found myself laid off.  I was given 6 months severance package and after the 6 months I was on  unemployment, so in total I had a year off.  On the last day of my unemployment check I went to a temp agency, picked up a job, but at the same time I was looking for something permanent.

Now that you know the background, here is my interview story.

It was a long time, since I was interviewed, and I really wanted the permanent job I had applied for, so when I got the call I was happy as could be, but nervous as heck.  I went to the interview literally shaking.  I remember what I was wearing like it was yesterday.  A conservative Navy blue skirt, and jacket, navy blue and white pin strips shirt, hair pulled back. Perfectly applied makeup. I'm all set.

I drove to the interview, trying to talk myself out of being nervous. I got to the parking lot, gave myself a pep talk, and I was calm, and ready. I grab my portfolio with resume and references and off I went, but when I stepped out of the car and started to walk, I said to myself, something is wrong. I was uncomfortable in my own shoes. I felt off, so I look down, and I stopped dead in my tracks.  It was then I realized,  My left foot I had one black low heel shoe on, and on the right a Navy blue with a slight heel.  Then it hit me, OMG! What the heck am I going to do!!  I had to go to this interview.  But what am I going to do, limp around?  There is no way, they aren't going to notice that I had two different shoes on, so I had to come up with a plan to play it off.

I started to walk to the building, my left foot I had to walk slightly on my toes so I didn't look like I was limping.  My heart was pounding, as I was trying to get into some kind of rhythm with my new walking style.  I opened the door, went to the receptionist, she called the recruiter, she came out to greet me and lead me to her office, I'm thinking she hasn't noticed yet.  Surely when she sits down across from me, she is going to see, so as she shows me to my seat, I quickly sit at an angle, and place foot with the black shoe (because god forbid that she see's that I didn't match my shoe to the color of my outfit), behind my calve.  The recruiter hadn't noticed. I'm home free.  The interview went great, I was on point on every answer.  She says, I think you are a fit, I want the manger to interview you today. She asked if it was ok, I said, yes, that would be great. Thank you.

She calls the manger, sets up the meeting, and she now is leading me to a conference room.  I am feeling great,  I got the walk down, she hasn't noticed at all about the two different styled shoes. This is it, job is mine.  The doors opens the recruiter walks in, and says, So and So, this is Kim.  Yes folks, you guessed it. It was my "old"  cake wheeling boss.  Her face dropped, My foot with the no heel slowly hits the floor, and I said, "Hold on, this is who you want me to interview with?". The recruiter says "yes,why?". So, I turned to her and said, thank you for your time, but I wouldn't work for this women, (pointing to cake women)  even if this was the last job on earth".  I turned around, and proudly walked up, down, up, down, up, down, up,down out the door.

Soon after, I was offered a job from another company, and once again, I have been blessed with a great job.

Will the real Dopey, Please stand up...Please stand up

Those who know me, know that I suffer from what I like to call the Bugatti Syndrome, named after the Bugatti Veyron Super Sport car, which mean when pushed, I can go from 0-60 in 2.4 seconds. 

This story is an example is the affects of this Syndrome

One sunny day I had an early morning Dentist appointment. The plan was I was going into Dentist, get to work late but still plenty of time to make my meeting. So, off I went went  to the Dentist office. The doctor was running late, so I waited, waited, and waited. Then he comes in all happy, like an annoying little dwarf from Snow White, which at this point, I'm feeling like "grumpy" and was about to make him Dopey if he didn't hurry up.  So, after a few mins I'm called the room, wait another 10 mins, and out pops Dopey.  I expressed, that I was in a hurry, and it's already been over an hour.  Ummm, probably, not the brightest thing to say to someone who wheeling a needle and about to place a fist in your mouth.  But anyways....

He proceeds to give me a shot, and after a few mins ask me if I can feel this, as he pokes at on of my he teeth, and I said, ummm, I can feel that, so he gives me another shot but missing the place where he wanted, and ended up right under my tongue, and let me say, that worked, because I felt like I had no tongue, and visions of swallowing my tongue briefly came into my mind. So, he had to shoot me up again, so now I have had three shots of Novocain.   So, he finishes the filling, I pay and off to work  I go, HI..HO.

Well, I'm driving, drooling and the Bugatti syndrome kicks because I am running later than expected, I was going to miss the meeting. I knew, I was never going to hear the end of it, when I got to work.  So,  I'm driving about 8 miles over the speed limit. I know this, because the city I'm in is known for speed traps, and pulling out guns for no reason. Then yup you guessed it, I look in my rear view mirror only to see blue lights.  Ok, I'm in Bugatti overdrive.  I quickly pull the car over, and not such a good spot. I get my license, registration. I look in the review mirror, and the cop is just sitting there, and sitting, and sitting, then the door opens and a female cop approaches my car.  Ask's for my license and registration, so I hand it to her, and she says "Do you know why I pulled you over?" and as I tried to talk, then I remembered that my tongue is in limp mode, and I said, "Yeths",  I was given a curious look, as I was wiping the droll from the side of my mouth.  Well, Ms White, Why did  I stop you? Feeling now, like I'm two years old. I said, "Cuzth I was dri- ping fazth".  "Ms. White, are you having a problem today?"  WHOA WHO BUGATTI TIME!!!   My response:(which seem to come out so clearly)  I wasn't having a problem until you stopped me.  Dead Silence.  Then she proceeded to give me a lecture about speeding.   

The Bugatti can hit a speed of 287mph, I was running about 275. When I said to her "Liz-then, if you are going to gif me a thicket, then give me a thicket. Ob-vis-us, you are going to gif me one any ways".  "Ms, White, you see to have an attitude problem. " I rolled my eyes, my head titled back slightly, and I said "UGH".  "Ms White, I need you step out of the vehicle".  BUGATIIIII hit 287 and a drooling..."WHYYYY???" Came out of my pain-saken mouth. "You seem to be agitated." My response; "You thhhink?" Please step out of the vehicle.  As I step out of the car mumbling, really 8  miles over the speed limit, still wiping the drool.

I was asked to step to the back of the vehicle, and place my hands on my trunk. "WHAT????"  She grabbed my arm, and said, "for your protect and mine".  She pushed me down, on to the trunk, my face plaster against the trunk of course, on the side where I just had my tooth filled.  My eye is now watering, droll pouring out.  She then tells me to stand straight up, walks me to the passager side, and ask me if she can search my car. I said, "Yeths".  As I mumble words, thank god that were not audible. You can tell, she really wasn't doing a search, more of a how much time can I waste move.  After her "search", she took the  handcuffs off, and told me to step back into my vehicle, as I was sitting there, on full turbo charge, my eye still watering, droll, wrist burns from the handcuffs, tooth killing me. She comes back, and said, "Ms White, sign her on your ticket,  Are you going to speed again?"  "Yeths, even fast-ther now cuz, I'm really late." Then I pulled a non-commitable peal away.

          Looking back on it now....who in this story was the real Dopey?