No good deed goes unpunished...

Have you been in an experience where the title of this post was befitting?   I say it so much to myself, because it so true. These stories are about some of my volunteering experiences. I am in no way saying not to voluntary, because after all it is good for the soul. 

Some friends of mine decided to volunteer to help a recently older  amputee  women with a new bathroom and to create a new bedroom on the first floor.  The women was admitted to the hospital due to some complications, so she was not in the home during our project, however her 3 grown children were home.   There were a lot of us, and each team was assigned different task. A co-worker and I were assigned to "cleaning" the upstairs bathroom. Ok with all my bathroom phobia's I wasn't happy, but I thought Kim, you are here to help you can do this, well my friend and I walked into the bathroom and I thought OMG, Im not going to make it.  It was a very large bathroom and lets  just say, I understood why two people were assigned to clean.  So, we started and we had many laughs along the way, the home owners daughter kept coming in and out of the bathroom and saying are you going to clean that, are you going to clean this, in the back of my mind I am thinking ummm you and I are the same age, grab a mop.  Of course, I then said, Kim this women is under stress, and obviously emotional not in the right frame of mind. So, I said, yes, we will clean every inch.  Ok, my co-worker was washing the wall paper, and she scrubbed so hard, I said, hey wait you are rubbing off the pattern.  She said, how can you tell, we laughed, and I started to clean the tub, and I couldn't  get the water to drain. I had to call the daughter, she looked at me like I was nuts, and here she is walking around the house in a tan trench coat, in 80 degree weather.  Anyways, she went over and lift the leaver, She said do you know how to clean?  I said, yes, but I've never cleaned a tub from 1920's. 

During our lunch break, we had pizza, and trying to relax before we went back to cleaning. When all of a sudden a few people showed up, who were friends of the son, who had been overseeing the project by sitting on a reclining chair, and drinking beer all day. 

So the friends came to drink, eat pizza and watch us work.  The daughter, yelling because she thought the pizza was her's,and all day long the daughter was complaining that we were not doing enough in her bedroom,which was spooky as hell. I actually can compare her to being like a little chihuahua barking at your feet.  Before my friend and I went back to work in the bathroom, I was asked to take a load of clothes into a room where the door had been shut all day.  I opened the door and slowly walked into the dark room, as my eyes were adjusting, I noticed that someone was laying in a bed, and just looking at me, I screamed, and then ran out literally with my hands in the air, screaming.  Come to find out, the home owner had a son who was mentally handicap.  It took us 8 hours, to clean one bathroom and when I left, I kept thinking to myself that poor guy was in that room all day long, by himself, in darkness so maybe having the ability to clean a bathroom, for 8 hours wasn't that bad.

The following year we volunteered, helping a lower income health single mom help with house repair, painting, etc.  As soon as we walked in, I knew this day was going to be long.  The Mother was pushy, she was younger than me, and I'm thinking wow, this girl just expects that everyone needs to drop to their knees and thank her for helping her out. So, right off the bat, I'm not in the mood for the attitude. The kids came in and out of the house from playing basketball ( age@ 10-12). The house was not well kept, and the mother was actually bossing people around, who were cleaning HER house.  I was assigned to painting the mother's bedroom.  I went right to work, in the middle of painting the mother came into the room, and said, excuse me, excuse me but you are missing pieces right here and right there i said, I'm sorry where?  She said can't you see, right here, I walked over to the wall, and started to  squint my eyes, and I said, can you show me where?Handing her the brush.  She takes the brush and started to paint the wall, I said, Wow, looks like you know how to paint, I tell ya what, instead of walking around up being up everyones ass, why don't you finish your own bedroom.  With that, I walked out, got into my car and took off.  

So, third time is a charm right?  Well, this time it was decided not to do anyones house (after our last experiences). This time, we were going to clean up school yard, repaint, and clean. This school, was in a bad area. I was on swing sand duty.  Clean the sand, which was filled needles, it was really sad to see how the kids couldn't even play in this area, because of the needles and crack vials.  There were people in the neighbor who were sitting on their porches, hanging out the windows just watching us all work.   There was one house where the man were laughing and saying stuff, but we politely ignored and went on with our business.  When all of a sudden, this kid comes running across the playground, he was so excited we were there, he worked right along aside of us, painting and cleaning. It made all of years of  volunteering seem worth it, just to see the pride and happiness in this young man face.

I would have loved to have ended this story on a high note, but that ain't life. While we were busy working, we hear a car alarm horn.  We realized that one of the guys that was on the porch mocking us, broke into a co-workers car, and stole his stereo. So, as the saying goes:

Finding a place to call home....

Finding a place to call home....


Currently, I'm in the market for a new home. i'm reminded of the last time, I was in search which was a NIGHTMARE. Of course, I was looking for a new home, when the housing market was at it's peak.  Houses South of Boston Massachusetts, were very high, and lets just say, the houses were less than what I expected after reading this post you will know why I was so turned off from buying a house and soon after the housing market crashed.  

First home, my wacky agent took me to was lovely, very nice home. Too much house for me, but very nice. So, I had to pass on that house.

The second house my agent took me too, the owners agent, the home owner and her kids and kids friends where in the house. Nice area, the outside had that New England charm. The owners agent brings us to the garage, proceed to find the light, and when she couldn't my agent flicks a lighter, at the same time the agent finds the light switch. With the flash of light from my agents lighter, the owner 's agent screamed, which made me scream.  We all started to laugh, but red flag in my mind, there is something wrong with the electric if this women thinks that sparks would be flying for putting on this light.  I turned to my mom, and said, oh Lordie.

Off we went into the house, and I walked in where two dogs greeted us at the door.  I wish, I could express in a colorful manner what that smells was, but till this day I can't even explain.  I never smelt anything like it in my life, and hope to never in the future. We we were rushed thru the living into the dinning room, where all the kids were on a computer at the table.  This house needed work, that is for sure, then we pushed along into another living room where the mother was laying on the couch because she was sick.  I turned to the left, and I saw a fireplace, well, it was one of those cardboard fireplaces that were around back in the early 70's. I was like ok, and then we were pushed into the kitchen.  It was dark and very old, let just say it didn't look like they were expecting a showing.  The agent trying to look for the bright points, said "the appliance will come with the house" my response, "Do they have too?"  We went into the bathroom, and I wondered, people actually live like this?  The agent says lets go up stairs to the bedrooms.  As we walk up the stairs I saw, that I could see the basement threw the stairs. We first go to the son's bedroom, and honestly it was a closet.  The bed was placed under the pitch of the house, and so when this kid walked  5 steps to his bed he would have to slide his feet under the pitch, and forget about this kid ever toss and turning.  We were then led to the mother's room.  My Mom, not wanting the agent to feel bad said Kim look new windows.  As I was I'm thinking, get me the hell out of here.  My mother walked over to the window, as she passed the closet door, it feel off, no not a hinge, but a HUGE nail that was holding the door up.  The agent, then said, lets go to the basement, so my Mom decided not to go to the basement, and talk to the owner. I went to the basement, where a cat was "housed", and that is when I saw all the wires, looked at the fuse box, no wonder this women screamed when she turned on the light in the garage, she went on to say that it will be updated before the house is sold.  As we were walking out of the house and came to the first living area, that is where I saw dead heads. 4 dead dear heads, I'm thinking was that the smell?  My response to my agent, Next?

Second house, it was a rainy day, good day for house hunting. This house was in a nice area, right down the street from a beach, small but cute.  We walked in and I love it. The two story house was empty, a huge boat in the yard, the inside was recently painted, hardwood floors, the layout was unusual, but that is what I liked about it very cute, as we were talking, I said, what is that noise? My agent says, I don't hear anything, I said, it sounds like dripping.  We walked into the living room, and there was water coming thru the house onto the floor, my agent went to basement, and yelled OH MY GOD!  I can't believe this!  I was like what, and the basement was filled with water, I'm not talking a foot, i'm talking 2 feet.  So, my agent calls the owners real estate agent, and told her that the basement is flooded and the agent knew, and so they had a huge fight over the phone. 

Next house, huge front yard. no back yard, the house was literally backed up to the fence.  The odd thing is the long drive way, could have been used as a street because you could get from one street to another, I'm thinking how many people  cut thru this drive way to get to the other street.  So, we walk into the house, and I swear it was a doublewide trailer feel to it.  It was a hallway as a kitchen, a hall way to a small living room which you had to step down and the two bedrooms were off the living room both, you could fit a queen size bed but nothing else.  So, we walked into one of the bedrooms and I came face to face with my nightmare (if you have read one of my previous post, you will know why), there was 9 parrots and 4 HUGE cages. I screamed of course, and the birds went nuts, I said, OMG and then I started to laugh, so one of the parrots started to laugh. I turned I said are you laughing at me, and I started to laugh, and I swear to god, the parrot was imitating my laugh, I said, get me the hell out of here.

Next house, nice rural area but yet close to the highway, conner house, cape style, slate siding ,looked like it was just built.  We walked in, and I instantly *GASPED*  the kitchen looked like someone thru shit on the ceiling, cabinets were missing doors, spray painted walls, and I walked into the living room and instantly had an asthma attack, black mold all over the ceiling. The floor was brought down to the subfloor, and you could tell all the heating at been removed, and I instantly thought, was this a cat hoarding house?  I ran out of that house and said, really you bring me here?

Next house, two floor, the house needed to be painted or new siding installed and a new roof was needed.  We walked in and it was very impressive, the kitchen was incredible, open floor plan to the living room very nice, you could tell they spent a lot of money on those two rooms.  The bathroom, lets just say would have needed to be gutted out, the small bedrooms would all have to be redone, the bathroom on the second floor had to be gutted out as well. Then my agent went to show me, the basement, and we opened the door, there was a hole in the floor and a rope hanging. I'm thinking seriously? My agent says, I'll go down to the basement, and you can go around to the back of the house, and I will let you in, I said, really? I don't think I need to see anything in the basement.  Then as we were leaving she notices a For sale sign on another house two doors up, and turns to us and says, let's go.  I said, should you call their agent and ask if we can see the house?  She said, no the owners just pulled in, so we walk over and she directed us to stay at the top of the drive way, as she knocked on the backdoor, she then starts to yell to us in Spanish,  I turned to my Mom and said, who is she talking too?  We were there for a good 15 mins, before she comes running out, and she says lets go, lets go, I said what is a matter, she said I didn't think I would make out of there alive.

Next house, small house, on a peninsula like area, so they were converted cottages into houses.  Area very nice, small cute little house, and we walked in and I felt like I was in the move Willy Wonka, the scene when they got bigger but the hallway gets smaller until they get to that tiny door, believe me there was no chocolate wonderland in this house.  The cute small look, was just that, I wouldn't be able to invite anyone over 5.8". If you turned to the left that was the kitchen, if you turned to the right that was the living room, if you took one step and turn again to the left that was the bathroom, which you have to back up to get in, and then the bedroom. which was good size but for sure a man's bachelor bedroom.


This post could go on and on, because I went to 12 different houses.   I'm sure by now, you are also thinking well, what was your price range. At that time, I was in the market for house between 200/250,000.00. 

King of the Pranks

Hopefully you read "Need to go home and change my undies".  That post was about my friend Alan, who was the King of pranks.   I thought. I would share a few more of this stories.





My first day working at the dinner, he said, did you clock in?  I said, what do I need to do?  He said come over to the register, so I walked over, and he says every time you come in, you have to push this button and talk into the screen, and say Kim reporting to work and you have to do the same when you leave.  He said, ok try it. So, I did, he said, you didn't say it loud enough, so I did it again, no you are not talking close enough, and saying it loud enough. Basically at this point I'm screaming into the damn thing.  So this went on for 3 weeks. People would just look at me, like I was crazy. I would always have to justify this is how I have to clock in.  His business partner was working one weekend. I walked over and yelled into the register he was like, what the hell are you doing? I said, I'm clocking in, he and the dinner regulars just laughed.  Kim we don't clock in.


We were with a bunch of friends on a night cruise around Newport.  When all of a sudden this very aggressive women came over to me, which totally scares the living crap out of me. She yelled YEAH. I looked up and said, yes?  She said, you are cute, I said thank you. The closer she got the more I backed way.   My name is Bunny, (I'm thinking Bunny? Bunny with rabies maybe) What is your name, looking up at her, my name is Kim, at this point she has me pinned against the rail.  You like these don't you, pressing her chest in my face. I think at this point I went into shock.  She said, follow me, to the bathroom, I said excuse me?  She said, yeah your friend over there said you wanted me to take you into the bathroom.  You guessed it, it was Alan, of course I didn't want insult this women, I felt back that she was part of a prank. That wouldn't be funny to her, and I am too close to the edge of the boat.  She puts her arms around me and holds the rails, oh you are all talk with your friends, but you don't want to follow me to the bathroom? I couldn't even speak I was trying to find the right words to politely say no.  When she started to laugh, and she said, Kim your friend told me to do this, I said, what friend you mean, that dead one right there?  Everyone laughed, Bunny was not her real name, and she ended up being a very sweetest person and played the part well.


One day, these two men walk into the dinner.  Alan turns to me, very nervous, what are they doing here?  They aren't suppose to come today, so he goes to the cash register takes money out and comes over to me, and says follow me. He says see those two guys that just came in? I said yes. Alan places money in an envelope, and says go over sit at the table, an give this envelope to the older guy. I said, I'm not going over there, and he said, Kim I'm scared of those guys. I'm like who are they, he said, they are in the mob, they owner the juke box and cigarette machine.  Here just take it over to them, so they can get out of here, and don't let anyone see you.  So, I was like, Ok.  so I walked over I sit down next to one of the guys and I take the envelope put it on the table and slide it over to the older guy.  The guy looks at me, he said what is that?  I said, in a very low voice, it's payment.  He said, payment?  Yes, (pointing over to Alan) he wanted you to have this envelope, the guy looks at Alan, and Alan said, sir is she bothering you?  Kim what are you doing? I said, uh? I'm give him the thing.  Alan says I'm sorry sir, she is new here. Kim, we don't sit down with the customers. Can you just take their order.  I stood up took the envolope and their order.  Alan had never seen those guys before that day.


I fell for the pranks all the time, because they were random and just so out of the box, I mean, really who thinks of these things within a moments notices?

Sporting the Sumo Look

As daylight hours grow longer and our summer plans are starting to enter our minds.  I want to share with you my life lesson.

A friend of mine invited me to her families summer home for the weekend.  We had plans to hangout at the private beach and lobsters and drinks were par for the course.  We started our day at the beach. Before leaving I placed sunblock lotion all over my face, and arms, hat, sun glasses, drinks, towel and chair. Ok, all set.  The beach was perfect no one around except to our right, we can see across the ocean the public beach. Although I'm not a beach person, I don't like walking on hot sand, sitting in the sun baking like a potato, is just boring to me, however being on a private beach I found it to be very relaxing.  

After about 30 mins, I was all set.  I just couldn't stay there, so I said, I'm going back to the house, so I went back and drank with a friend who didn't go to the beach. Then after about 2 hours, my other friends came back.  It was just too hot.  So, we decided to drink a little, and start on the lobsters.  Once we finished cooking the lobsters, we all sat outside on the deck, and ate like queens.  Yum.  After I ate I started to feel sick. I'm thinking oh lordie hope I'm not getting sick from this seafood.  One of my friends said, oh Kim you don't look well, she said are you allergic to seafood? I said Hell no.  She gave me some Benadryl, and said, you should lay down.  So, I went to one of the bedrooms  and fall asleep for about 20 mins.

I woke up, and my face was HOT, and I couldn't really see.  What I was seeing was just like white clouds. I said, what the hell.  I got up and went to the mirror and I couldn't see my face real clear. I had to get right up to the mirror, and I was like WHOOOA.

I sneaked into the bathroom across the hall, and I put some cold water on my face. I stood up, and looked in the mirror, I was like OH MY GOD.  I basically, filled the sink with cold water, and just kept dunking my face into the water. Looked up, OH MY GOD.

I grabbed a towel and covered my face, and walked into the kitchen and as I slowly walked into the room, one of my friends said, Kim are you ok.  I said, Ok everyone now don't freak out.  So, they were like what, what, what...I said, ok are you ready?  YES!.

I lifted my head up, and GASP'S, jaws opened. after a few moments (which seemed like 10 mins) all I heard was OH MY GOD!   So, it was decided I needed to go to the hospital.  Everyone wanted to drive me, and I said nah, I don't want to spoil everyones weekend, I can go myself.  After assuring them, they said Ok.  

I left, and I couldn't really see the road, and I said, ummm this is probably not a good idea.  I decided not to go directly to the hospital I mean who really wants to spend hours there, if this is something that is not going to kill me and just will go away on it's own. So, I reverted back to a little child and said, I want my Mommy.   So, I drove to my mother's house, and as I walked into the house, Hello Ma? Ma?  She replies, I'm in the pallor. As I walk to the pallor, I said, Ok Ma, I don't want you to panic.  She said, what's a matter? What's a matter?  I had my head down, and as I walked into the room. I looked up at my Mom.  She looked and started laughing.  I was like MAAAA. She said, OH MY GOD, and just started laughing.  Kim have you seen your face?  I said, yes I know.  She said, Kim, OH MY GOD, and starts laughing. She said, Kim you have sun poisoning. I said, should I go to the hospital?  and she said yes.  I went to the bathroom, and the clouds had lifted from my eyesight, and I could see much better, and I said OH MY GOD! I started to laughed. What the hell!  So, before I left for the hospital, my mom said, Hold on.  I said Ok, as I waited. My Mom comes out of the house with a camera and said, Oh I have to get a picture of this, I said, MAAAA. We both laughed.  Off I went.

I went to the hospital, and sitting there, and people just stared at me. I was like, get me the freak out of here. Finally they called me, and took me into a room.  The doctor comes in and says Whooooa.  I was laughed, and he said, can you do me a favor, and I said yes, he said, can I see your drivers licenses, and so I gave him my license, and I said, why do you want to see it?  He said, I wanted to see the before picture.  I laughed. 

 I sported this Sumo look for about 3 days.  

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  This story is for sure a visual one, so I'm thankful to my Mom who took this picture.

When a Boston accent ruins a relationship....

Ok, so those who know me realize that I tend to take on the accents of those around me.  I find it so hard to not speak with an accent if I'm around someone who has one, with that said however, I do realize that I have a strong Boston accent as well. Sometimes, I don't realize how strong it is until someone points it out to me.  When you read this post, you may think that there are a lot of misspellings (god knows, I am famous for them), but it's actually words that are spelt out like someone you were talking to who was from Boston (or my case Taunton).

I had been dating this girl for about 1 month, who was from South Carolina.  One of the girls' pet peeves was someone making fun of her accent. So, as you can tell from my above description of how I tend to talk the same way as the person I'm talking too, this was very hard and for the most part, looking back it at that time, I realized how draining it was not too.

We decided to chill at my house, I'd pick up some sandwiches and watch a movie.  Here is what happened:

Kim:  "So, do you want to meet up on Sattaday?"

Jamie:  "Ok, that sounds like fun, Kem".

So, on that day I get a call and she left the direction at home and could I walk her thru the directions.

Kim:  "Ok, so you are on 24. There is no num-bah on the exit sign, but you are going to take the Nawth Main Street exit"  "Let me know when you get to the exit"

Jamie: "Hey, Kem I just took the exit".

Kim: "Cool, at the stop sign bang a left"

Jamie: "Do whaaaaat?"

Kim: "uh"

Jamie: "Whatcha want  me to dooo?"

Kim: "Um, take a left?"

Jamie: "Ok, I taken the left".

Kim:  "My street comes up quickly" so take that first right"

Jamie:  "Ok"

A few mins go by, and I'm thinking ok, it shouldn't be taken this long.

Kim: "whe-rah-ya?"

Jamie: "I don't know"

Kim: "Well, what is around you?"

Jamie: "Nut'tin"

Kim: "There ain't nothing around you?"

Jamie: "No, Ma'am'"

Kim: "Ok, did you pass Rodgers restaurant, on your right?"

Jamie: "Oh, that is right HHHerrah"

Kim:  "You have gone to far, do a U-ie".

Jamie: "Do whaaaat"

Kim: "Turn around and go back."

Ok, at this point, I feel a little drained.

So, she finally make to my front door. We exchanged greets.  Little time has past.

Kim:  "I hope you are stahvin."

Jamie: "Yes"

Kim:  "I picked up some grinders"

Jamie: "What's that?"

Kim: "A San-witch"

Jamie: "Ok" "Can I HELL-Pah youuuu?"

Kim: "Sure, thanks, can you grab some nackins in the draw

Jamie: "Do whaaaat?"

Kim: (pointing). "Grab some nackins from the draw".

Jamie: (she then grabs some plates from the cabinet) "WeaR should I put the plates?"

Kim: "You can it them ova heah, ova theah"

Jamie: "Do whaaaat?"

Kim: (pointing). "Put them ova heah."

Kim: "Do you wan-nah eat on the couch?"

Jamie: "Sure"

Kim:  "Ok, can you also grab some forks out of the draw and bring them it into the pahla"

Jamie: Do whattttt?"

Kim: (pointing} Can you bring these with you to the couch."

Kim: "Do you want some soder?"

Jamie: "Do whaaaat?"

Kim: "What do you want to drink?"

Ok, at this point, I am a tad more drained

We finally settle in on the couch.

Kim:  "Can you grab the clicah on the end table?"

Jamie: "Do what?"

Kim: (pointing) Can you grab the clicah off the end table?"

Jamie: "a-uh"

Ok, at this point, I feel like I'm dating Helen Keller.

We watched a movie, small talk...

Kim: "Let me throw this stuff in the gahbidge bin'

Jamie: "Do whaaaat?"

Kim: "I'll be right back" (notice how my response changed from repeating myself)

I come back into the room, small talk continues

Jamie: "I need to go to the bathroom"

Kim: "Do whaaaaat?"  (ok, this is the point, where yes I did take on a southern accent and yes I was copying her)

Jamie: "Kem, are you make-in a fun of me?"

Kim: "No, sorry, it's just that you said it a few times tonight".

Jamie: "That is because for the last few hours, I haven't understood a word youuuu saidddd".  (ok, that sentence was spoken very quickly and with an attitude tone).

Kim: "That is ok, because for the last few hours, I thought you were retahded"

Needless to say, that was the end of the night....

When birds fly....

It's been awhile since I posted a story on my blog. Hopefully, my comeback won't disappoint.

As you can see in the title, I mention birds. Well, here is my bird history.

My first interaction with a bird is when I was a child.  I was about 7 or so and my two brothers were about 10 and 11.     We were playing outside with a neighborhood friend when my brother brings over a baby bird.  We were all told story of how the mother bird would kick the babies out of the nest in order for them to learn how to fly.  We knew, we just had to help this bird fly into the bright blue sky.  So, my brother runs in house and grabs a bed sheet from the linen closet.  He comes outside, we spread out the sheet on the grass. My other brother gently places the bird in the middle of the sheet. We each grab a corner and slowly raise the sheet up.  On the count of three, lets left the sheet quickly over our heads, which will fling the bird in the air, in hopes that the bird will then learn how to fly and the sheet will soften the landing if the bird didn't fly on the first try.   So one, two, three. We all yell fly birdie fly.  The bird goes up, but quickly comes down.  Still determined, one, two, three. fly birdie fly.  Again, even being flung in the air the bird doesn't even attempt to fly.  Disappointed at our attempts, we tried one last time, we see the bird go up, but at that moment we all realized there is something very wrong. The bird was very limp.  As the bird, drops into the sheet. We placed the sheet back on the grass, and to our shock and horror, the back of the birds head was actually touching the tail feathers. We in fact, killed this bird. We ended up spending that day burying this poor baby bird.  


My second interaction with a bird was my brothers parakeet.  I was about 8 or 9, when I was placed in charge of taking care of my brother's parakeet and gerbils, while they were away at Boy Scots camping.  So, each day, I feed both the parakeet and gerbils feeling like a very grown up girl, helping my brother with his pets.   My brothers came home and my brother went to check on his parakeet and gerbils.  As we all approach the cage, the bird was sitting there, and then all of a sudden falls off the perch and slams down to the floor of the cage, with his little legs standing straight in the air. Our mouths open, oh my god!  My brother said, didn't you feed my bird? As I  exclaimed YES!  I quickly grabbed the box to show him that there was less food then what was in there when he left for camping. He looked at me, and said Kim,  this is the gerbil food not the parakeet food.  You killed the bird.  OMG!   Of course my brothers torture me growing up and even to this day, talk about how I killed the bird.


After those two incidents, I always felt like other birds knew what I did, and after watching the movie "The birds" by Alfred Hitchcock didn't help my mind set.  Growing up, I felt like they were always seeking revenge, in the form of  bird shit.  I was always told that it was good luck but, if you are a recipient of bird do-do, you get over the lucky part real quick.  Ok, so you are saying to yourself, everybody has had this happened to them, Yes, I'm sure at one point of your life, you have had this happened to you, But, I'm not talking one, two or three times I am talking dozens of times. So, while I was writing this portion of the blog.  I checked the internet to see if there was an information about the odds, and sure enough there was, it stated there is a 15% chance while walking and 25% while seated. All of my bird "accidents" have happened while walking.   Looking back at my odds it was more like 30% chance while walking around, that I was going to get splatted on.
 

One time, stands out more than the rest.  I was walking into the grocery store with my mom, and we were walking side by side, I turned and looked up at my mom to say something, and she turn to looking at me, when out of no where bird shit hits my face.  We both stopped.  I was in shock, because it was all over my face and hair and in my mouth.   I have never in my life had seen so much.  After the shock, my mother began to laugh, to a point where she was bent over, and people were looking at us, and I'm still looking like Carrie when she had the pig's blood poured over her at the prom.  We turned around, and got back in the car and I didn't think my mom would be able to drive us home because by now we are both laughing uncontrollably and even said, "what are the odds"? Quickly I ran into the house so I could clean my face, hair and brush my teeth, and I remember just taken shot after shot of Listerine.


So, these stories are funny on their own merit however like a ice cream sundae there is always a cherry.  This story is the cherry.


My mother and I went to Universal Studio's in Florida.  There was a "bird" show, my Mom said lets go, and I was like, nah lets pass. My mom, knowing my bird history said, "Kim, what can happen?"  I said," yeah you are right!"  It's was a seat yourself type of show, so I said, lets sit here. It wasn't close to the front but not too far so we couldn't see the bird tricks.  The bird show commences and they are doing all kinds of tricks, talking, riding bicycles, very cute and light hearted. Then the trainer makes an announcement, Molly (very large colorful bird) will now fly to Sally who is standing in the back of the theater, my heart starts to pound as I make a squeal noise. I quickly turn to see where Sally was standing and she is far away from me, so I had a sigh of relief.  Then the trainer says, she will then fly to Judy who was located at the opposite side of the theater.  Again, I squeal and then I quickly turned and looked for Judy, and again was relieved because she is far away from me.  The trainer goes on to say, then Molly will fly back to me.  So, in my mind, I'm thinking ok, I am no way near the path of this trick.  My mother reconfirms, by saying "Don't worry, it's going to be OK." So the trainer says, Molly go to Sally.  The bird is in flight and it was a very pretty sight.  She lands on Sally's arm, the audience applauses.  The trainer says Molly go to Judy. We watched as Molly takes off, but now it doesn't look like Molly is heading towards Judy.  In fact, Molly is heading my way, I turn around and look at the stage, when all of a sudden the bird hits the top of my head, which pushes my head forward. I scream like there is no tomorrow and at this point dead silence fell over the show.  After a few moments, the trainer says "Molly has never done that before".  I'm thinking no shit, Molly knows a bird killer when she see's one!!!!  Needless, to say after the shock and I was able to gather my nerves, my mom and I walked out laughing, because really what are the odds?

Need to go home and change my undies

Every once and awhile you meet a real life character, and I was lucky enough to meet and become best friends with Alan. Who was for sure an original.  In memory of him, I would love to share his stories.

I met Alan thru my roommate who was his Business partner of a 50's style diner, (for which I became a waitress during the weekends).  We instantly became friends, and were always together.  He was an older gay man, with a heart of gold, and a crazy sense of humor.  Here are some of his stories:

Alan lived in a old victorian home, his ex lover lived down stairs with his new boyfriend, and Alan lived upstairs.  The first time I was over Alan's house, we were just going to hang out.  Sitting at Alan's kitchen table was Alan at the head of the table, our friend Chris (who is African America) diagonal across from Alan, and I was sitting to the left of Alan. We were laughing and having a great time, when all of a sudden Alan looks in Chris's direction, and yells out, "you Black bastard"  Chris and I were shocked, I looked at Chris who was looking at me, and then we both looked at Alan, and then looked back at each other.  Alan went on to say, "I don't want you in my house. Who told you, you could come into my house!"  Then he jumped up, and ran to the open window that was behind Chris, and sitting there was a black cat.  Chris and I started laughing, realizing that he wasn't talking to Chris, but to the cat.  Then as he continued to yell at the cat, he said, I don't want you in my house!  He then threw the cat outside the window.  Chris and I gasp, OH MY GOD! I yelled. I went to the window, and there was the cat, on the fire-escape, with this bedding, and toys, and it became obvious that the fire-escape was the cat's hangout.  Alan started to laugh and I of course needed to go home and change my undies.

Alan would flirt with anyone, gay, straight, any gender it didn't matter.  

We all decided to jump in the car and take off to NYC for the weekend.  There was a group of us, and we packed up two cars and we hit the road.  Half way to NYC, we decided to stop at a rest stop right off the highway and par-take in some Mckee Dee's.  We all got our food, and sat at some tables. We were all laughing and having  a good time. I noticed briefly, that Alan had his eye on this guy sitting down, and apparently the man did too.  He was a huge, bearded brut of a man,  who stood up and  came to our table and looked at Alan and said, do you have a problem?  We all stopped, and looked up at the man, and no one spoke or even took a breath, and without missing a beat, Alan starts to feel the table.  He said, I'm sorry, is someone talking to me? As he started to act like Steve wonder.  Alan says Kim, is someone talking to me, and I squealed out, yes.  The man, said, Oh I'm sorry I didn't realize, and Alan said, that is ok.  The man walks back to his table, we knew before Alan's cover was blown we had to get out of there.  So, Alan grab my elbow, and I had to direct him around the table and out the door.   We just walked back to the cars, and then busted out laughing Another moment when I needed to go home, and change my undies.

Alan and I hung out almost everyday.  On this day, he called me up and said,  I have to go to this guys house, do you want to go with me?  I said, sure.  So, he came and picked me up and off we went.  He is driving and we are talking and laughing, and he pulls down this street, and says, I'm not sure of the address, but it's around here somewhere, and we are driving around, and he is looking and looking. I'll know when I see it,  I said, Ok.  Then he quickly pulled into this driveway.  The inside door was open, and a half screen outside door was closed, with a sign that says, beware of dog. Alan turns to me, and says do me a favor, go to the door and ask John to come outside. I was like, why don't you go, he said I have a leg cramp, just ask him to come to the truck. I said Ok.  I go to the door, and before I could knock this German Shepard jumps up and is barking and growling I thought I was going to be his next supper. I screamed my head off.  This guy comes to the door, and he says, what do you want? I said, is John here. He say's there is no John here. I was like sorry  I walked back to the truck, and Alan was in stitches. I said, this isn't the house?  He said, no and there isn't even any John.  I was like what? You didn't have to meet anyone? Nope.  Another moment when I needed to go home, and change my undies.

As I said at the beginning of this post, my roommate was Alan's Business partner at the diner. I would work there on the weekends, and a girl (Lori) who lived upstairs from us was one of the cooks at the dinner.  For 6 months every once and awhile Alan would tell me stories about his Uncle who was crazy and institutionalized. Based on the few stories I was told, it's not someone that I would wanted to ever meet.  Also during the 6 months, Lori told me a story about how she met him, and she was scared as hell of him.  My roommate also told me a story about his encounter with Alan's Uncle.   One night, my roommate gets a call.  It's a frantic Alan, the Uncle has escaped from the institution, and earlier in the day he had made threats against my roommate, because he was convicted that he was trying to kill him, and so the Uncle was going to get to him first So, Lori's says, Kim come up stairs with me. So, I go with Lori, and we were there for about 20 mins, when we hear banging on the downstairs door  I hear, Alan's voice, my roommate voice, banging, and what sounded like pure mayhem and I was like should we call the cops?  Lori said, I will call. So, she goes to another room. I am standing in the kitchen.  Then my roommate bangs on the door, and yells LET ME IN!  I said, Oh my god, So, I go and unlock the door and he quickly comes in and shuts the door behind him. When I hear bang, and it appears someone is trying to push open the door. I started to scream.  My roommate moves falls against the wall,  and the door swings open, I see what looks to be an old man, so I went running into another room, and he was right behind, I ran into a wall he turned me around, and I'm looking at his face, screaming at the top of my lungs, and I look again, and I looked at his face again, and realized it was an old man Halloween mask. Once again I needed to go home and change my undies. 

These are only a few of the many stories I could tell you about my friend Alan. He was truly one of a kind.  Your always in my thoughts, my friend.